He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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