wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
