Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
