I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize