Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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