get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
