i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
