two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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