hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
