My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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