There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
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