I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
