Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
