did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
