I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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