So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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