He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
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