last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
