Who did Billy Mays play for?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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