I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
