please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
