She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Randomize
