Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
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