Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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