So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Can Purell be used as lube?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
