My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
