Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I just sucked dick on a ferry
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
