1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
