i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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