I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
