You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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