I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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