If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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