I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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