Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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