I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
