wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
