I cut my penus on the lid.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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