You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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