she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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