Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
