i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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