So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
