Ambien. No doubt about it.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
