youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize