eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
