Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
