So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
