he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
