Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
