We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
