i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
