in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
