it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
