the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
my being single is dangerous.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
