your parents love me but you hate me
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
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